Tuesday, January 09, 1990

Man, am I glad that Im not an Eskimo!!

I was thinking about "march of the penguins", which got me thinking about snow, which got me thinking about ice, which inevitably got me thinking about ice cream, which then got me thinking about ketchup, which got me thinking about Eskimos, when I realized how lucky I am not to be an Eskimo. I mean, think of the obstacles I'd have as an Eskimo.

  1. ketchup freezes at temperatures lower then 24.3 degrees Fahrenheit. Its, like, almost ALWAYS colder then that in Alaska.
  2. I don't like fish too much at all. Actually, barring gefilte and tuna, I can say with conviction that I HATE fish. Clearly less than I hate olives, but even more than I hate Avril Levigne. As a culture of fishermen, the Eskimos are just not for me.
  3. I could never fulfill my dream of being a basic cable game-show host. Take Hollywood in general: did you know that there are over 10 trillion Jewish Hollywood actors? Did you? Wanna know how many Eskimo actors/game-show hosts there are? Seven. And three of them are named Bob, so you cant even get called "Eskimo bob" or whatever. And other then P. Diddy, famous eskimo rapper/rap mogul, which of those seven are even famous? None!
  4. The primary Eskimo diet consists of little cream pies, sandwiched between chocolate wafers. That may not seem so bad to you, but realize what they've done... They've turned dessert into a main meal. Now, sure, when you're 9 years old that's awesome, but as an adult who can think logically I can say that its a ludicrous idea. They are de-dessertizing dessert! That treat that waits for you at the end of the meal now IS the meal. What if I get sick of Eskimo pies? They've ruined it! Everyone knows that ice cream is reserved for snacks and breakfast. Stop making it a meal!
  5. Did you know that there are over 27 (or something, I may have made that specific number up) different Eskimo words for "snow." 27. Twenty Freakin' Seven! That's an awful lot of redundancy for one, but even more importantly, think of what that means about snow. Its everything. I cant imagine living a life where snow is a CENTRAL part of every day life. Now, Im not just saying they have a lot of it. That would be like 8 words. Its almost religion when you hit 15 words. But 27? (think about what that means for Americans and screwing/boning/humping/etc... Though)

The list continues, but the thought remains the same. Im just glad Im not an Eskimo.

(The thoughts and opinions on this blog do not represent those of XVI or his sponsors)

1 Comments:

At 2:33 AM, Blogger hazel said...

I love your monologues....you will indeed achieve your ambition.
We ,in Blighty have 34 words for rain..although I may have made up that number too..rain,drizzle,cats and dogs,mist,more bloody rain and pissing it down..to name but a few.

 

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