Sunday, January 07, 1990

Olives... yuck!

People dont seem to want to soapbox on the hot political topic of olives and so allow me to break the ice of conversation. Olives are evil. Thats right. i did not say bad tasting, I didnt even say disgusting. olives are evil, the epitome of all darkness and vileness in this world. On the eigth day of existence, Satan sneaked to the world and laid his unholy seed in our mother earth and thus was the first olive tree to spread its horrific branches. Please do not ask me for proof, this is not a theological conversation. Rather accept what I say as fact and accept upon yourself the task of boycotting all imports of olives into our fair and beautiful country. I have personally accepted the task of singlehandedly wiping the genus Oleafrom the earth in the name of G-D and all that is holy.

now, I know a lot of people out there really like olives, and so I will make this apology. I am really sorry that you were born with mutated tastebuds. I understand that its not your fault and that you would like to repent but dont know how. Well, I have prepared a simple three step program to help you rid yourself of this disease. And yes,it IS a disease. if alcoholism is a disease then eating olives is a pandemic!

Step one: Admitting you have a problem. Pat yourself on the back; youve come a long way, baby!

Step two: Throwing out (most preferably destroying) every olive and olive-derived product within your living space. proactive measures are necessary. Whining about a problem will never get you past step one.

Step three: drink a tall glass of ketchup. Self-explanatory.

Step four: proceed to kill yourself. It may seem harsh,but if you are so far gone as to actually enjoy olives then it is already too late. Better to die in the glory of G-D then live in sin.

(step three is optional but highly reccomended. it helps make the transition into heaven much smoother.)

All who die as martyrs for the sake of G-D in this, His holy decree, shall be rewarded with direct ascension to heaven where 70 fresh bottles of ketchup shall await you. Ketchup Hu Akbar!

2 Comments:

At 6:46 PM, Blogger R.J. said...

I like olives :) as well as many others. Maybe it's ketchup that mutated your tastebuds. After all, red is the color of lust which is analogous the the worst of sins influenced by satan who planted the very first lycopene atoms which evolved into the tomato. If so, purge yourself from satans wrath and down many olives :-D

 
At 11:28 PM, Blogger BrownsvilleGirl said...

Okay, whoa.

Take a step back Xvi.

No, really.

I'll tell you the truth--I had faith in you. As one of the biggest ketchuppers in the world (lifelong member of the Ketchup Club), I was the first to think you'd have good taste in food. But alas, I was wrong.

And honestly, now I feel a little cheated.

Olives are amazing and the rest is self-explanatory.

 

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