Sunday, February 05, 2006

Its weird. Ive been thinking a lot about change these days. How times have changed, how my friends have changed (be it that my friends have changed or my friends are different people), how Ive changed personally.

I was reading a post by The Pragmatician ( ) on happy people. He was talking about those people that just smile at you as you walk into the mall. The people that are paid to change your mood. The comments all seemed to say that everyone seems to like those people. The shiny, happy people who are always so sweet and bubbly and friendly. I seemed to be the only person who seemed to be annoyed at them, and I started to wonder why.

I started thinking about how my friend Orit always quips about me being depressed. So long as I know her shes been saying that. Then I started thinking about a comment that my friend Liba made a long time ago but always stuck with me. It was some random night in camp, I had just gotten off from putting my kids to bed and I spotted a group of my friends sitting on the benches. I went over and the very first thing Liba said to me was "how are you always so happy?" Apparently I was smiling at the time and just generaly smiled a lot back then. Real smiles. Not the picture smiles I throw at people these days (And im pretty unphotogenic too). It was a random comment but it pops up from time to time. One of those times was now.

It only occured to me now, that I hate the shiny, happy people because I was one of them once. Its kind of the way I feel about anarchy I guess.

In highschool I was a utopian anarchist. Basically I claimed that the fundamental right of the people was to rule themselves, no governments, no community boards, no nothing, but that government only temporarily needs to exist because people have done a pretty shoddy job at ruling themselves. Very Hobbesian. I know. The funny thing is that now Im a republican. I lean conservative and I bash democrats. Im the guy that yells at the guy playing hackeysack. "Get a job." I think i feel angry at them though because they have the idealism that I used to have, but have lost. Ive always been sarcastic, but I think its evolved into real negative cynicism. Id love to have that idealism back.

Liba taught me that I used to be happy. Now Orit tells me that Im f**ked up. Im pissed at myself for losing that hapiness and I get upset at happy people for reminding me.

Now I dont want people to read this wrong and start reccomending suicide hotlines or anything. Im not perpetuallly upset. Im not constantly down and sorrowful. I think its just that my feelings have become more muted. I used to feel the high rise and steep fall of happiness and sadness. Now its just bumps and drops. Im not sad. Im just not thrilled.

Its funny that I saw Garden State the other night. The Zack Braff character seemed to be going through the same detached thing that I do, albeit a bit more severly then I am. He also seemed to have gotten over his inner-deadness through typical movie-fodder romance. Should I buy the hollywood answer then and get back on the shidduch market three days after dropping off the wagon? Or should I accept this as a phase? A slight slump in my otherwise chipper disposition?

I mean, Im really not that pissed.


At 11:53 PM, Blogger Sara said...

more than the annoyance, the typical emotion that "the happy ppl" will engender in me is pity- which is the worst emotion ever- bc with my lack of empathy i view pity as synonomous with revulsion and abhorrence- even outright contempt is better.
and ive been told that im too cynical but i dont think that ppl are truly that happy. you can pretend to a certain extent- and i guess one can argue that its better at least to pretend- maybe but i dont believe in idealism.
truthfully,i dont think its a phase, i think its a more mature outlook on life. so you could try to regain that mindset, find your princess charming, and live happily ever after- but excuse me for doubting that approach.

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Sara said...

and im failing to understand- why is "inner-deadness" so bad?

btw-uve been quie the vociferous writter lately- im liking it

At 12:06 AM, Blogger XVI (R) - NY said...

Maybe its mature, but then again we may be too cynical in thinking that its better to be mature and logical then happy and stupid. Personaly, Ill take the blue matrix pill (or whichever one was the ignorance one... i picked an arbitrary color.) if its happier.

Then again, maybe Im begining to buy the media-hype that has been with us since long before we were born. Maybe we can find our princesses and live happily ever after. I mean... YOUR the Disney fan.

But then again, I never really liked how the story ended after he/she met his/her love and lived H.E.A. That implies that the rest of their lives were boring and inconsequential.

Still, in an abstract way it seemes very pleasent to me. Ive always wanted that. Or at least wanted to want that...

At 12:17 AM, Blogger Sara said...

disney is entertainment- thus escapism- its not how real life was meant to be at all but its fun and funny= i still have a little kids sense of humor

At 6:34 PM, Anonymous Shua said...

Wow. Powerful. Weird looking back only a short while ago and seeing how diffrent we were and the friends who we had were. But the main reason I think (in my humble opinion) that our outlook on life is so diffrent from just a few years ago is responsibility. Look back... sure we were happy then, we didnt have a care in the world! Our biggest concern was were we going to eat and what flavr huka we were going to smoke. Now we have college, work, people pressuring us to get married, friends getting married, parents who are annoying, responsibilities, some of us dorming with rommates which is hard and some of us living at home which is even harder. Its hard to keep your old self when all this crap comes up. But hey, this is what life throws you and you Xvi take it on with the best of them. Sheesh.

At 6:02 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

It's so sad what is going on, try tuning in to five towns radio, politics aside only music

This is the first time somebody bases his post on one of mine, thanks for that!
I can relate to what you wrote. It’s not so strange your feelings have changed since high school, everyone tends to be optimistic then, life is just full of surprises.
But then realty sets in, and well you know the story.
I saw garden state a long time ago and really disliked this movie. First of all why did he have to be Jewish, does that have anything to do with the movie??
What do you mean by "after dropping off the wagon?"?
Keep smiling, if you can!

At 7:25 PM, Anonymous namastaei said...

we all have our up and down days- sometimes life seems inconquerable sometimes you feel swallowed by its very immensity.... the worst thing in life is to be indifferent to your own existence, to living, to being...
i hate the zach braff mode, it's the absolute worst...
fight it man... fight the purple haze...
(and sometimes discipline helps- in the sense that you can seize control of your life and choices [that's all i meant- tho i like the term uber-discipline ;)] )
much luck on med school, as another eventual doc (tho in another field) every drop off the bandwagon (whether dating or otherwise) is still a step in the general direction.

nice to cyberally meet you.

At 2:28 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

thanks for coming an dleaving amessage
you probably enjoyed my referneces to ketchup
is Heinz the best brand of ketchup or is there better?

At 2:52 PM, Blogger Semgirl said...

WO !! I am duly impressed. You got it on the first try.. Very good..

At 3:22 PM, Blogger R.J. said...

sara#1 - the self fulfilling prophecy works real well with emotions. Making believe that you are happy has far reaching consequences.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger Ezzie said...

Hmm... so much to say... I'm just happy to see Shua posts here too. I'll just note that sorrow begets sorrow, and happiness begets happiness. The way I got out of ruts, such as the one I was in when we were in school together, was to switch tracks and more importantly, my own thoughts.

It worked.

Oh yeah, you coming this Shabbos?!

At 5:53 PM, Blogger Sara said...

k ready for a new post

At 7:19 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

come over for my tu bishvat party

At 5:41 AM, Blogger Datingmaster, Jerusalem said...

come over an dmeet my Mama!


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