I was reading a post by The Pragmatician ( http://pragmatician.blogspot.com ) on happy people. He was talking about those people that just smile at you as you walk into the mall. The people that are paid to change your mood. The comments all seemed to say that everyone seems to like those people. The shiny, happy people who are always so sweet and bubbly and friendly. I seemed to be the only person who seemed to be annoyed at them, and I started to wonder why.
I started thinking about how my friend Orit always quips about me being depressed. So long as I know her shes been saying that. Then I started thinking about a comment that my friend Liba made a long time ago but always stuck with me. It was some random night in camp, I had just gotten off from putting my kids to bed and I spotted a group of my friends sitting on the benches. I went over and the very first thing Liba said to me was "how are you always so happy?" Apparently I was smiling at the time and just generaly smiled a lot back then. Real smiles. Not the picture smiles I throw at people these days (And im pretty unphotogenic too). It was a random comment but it pops up from time to time. One of those times was now.
It only occured to me now, that I hate the shiny, happy people because I was one of them once. Its kind of the way I feel about anarchy I guess.
In highschool I was a utopian anarchist. Basically I claimed that the fundamental right of the people was to rule themselves, no governments, no community boards, no nothing, but that government only temporarily needs to exist because people have done a pretty shoddy job at ruling themselves. Very Hobbesian. I know. The funny thing is that now Im a republican. I lean conservative and I bash democrats. Im the guy that yells at the guy playing hackeysack. "Get a job." I think i feel angry at them though because they have the idealism that I used to have, but have lost. Ive always been sarcastic, but I think its evolved into real negative cynicism. Id love to have that idealism back.
Liba taught me that I used to be happy. Now Orit tells me that Im f**ked up. Im pissed at myself for losing that hapiness and I get upset at happy people for reminding me.
Now I dont want people to read this wrong and start reccomending suicide hotlines or anything. Im not perpetuallly upset. Im not constantly down and sorrowful. I think its just that my feelings have become more muted. I used to feel the high rise and steep fall of happiness and sadness. Now its just bumps and drops. Im not sad. Im just not thrilled.
Its funny that I saw Garden State the other night. The Zack Braff character seemed to be going through the same detached thing that I do, albeit a bit more severly then I am. He also seemed to have gotten over his inner-deadness through typical movie-fodder romance. Should I buy the hollywood answer then and get back on the shidduch market three days after dropping off the wagon? Or should I accept this as a phase? A slight slump in my otherwise chipper disposition?
I mean, Im really not that pissed.