Sunday, June 11, 2006

So Ive explained the situation. Ive described the anguish of the unknowingness, the induced inability to perform basic human functions, the incapacity to grow as a person or develop past this point due to an inability to commit myself to the slightest activity. What I havent described though is, by a significant margin, the most painful and torturous portion of the experience.

The Boredom.

So I sit and I wait. Im used to that. But I dont do anything while I do it. I read a book, but its only killing time until time X where I will have some epiphany of where/when/what. I go to the beach, I meet my friends, I eat out, I finish up at Dunkin' Donuts. But so what? If everything is done in anticipation of the future event than nothing is performed for its own merit and, therefore, has none. So I lose the urge to perform the basic social activities. I sit in my room. I dont read. I dont study. I dont watch.

I surf.

I read a lot of blogs now. Not because I am necessarily interested in the news or discussions, even though I am, but because its a simple activity that can be performed from my desk in my room. It requires no movement. No activity. No interaction with other people in the present tense. I spend hours here, at my computer, cultivating boredom. I have my AIM profile set to invisible so I can voyeuristically see who I am ACTIVELY ignoring because I dont feel like chatting. Im not good at it anyway. I cant multitask and the activity of IMing consumes me. But all I do is wait for Time X and exist as boredom.

But its not just the current boredom.

With the boredom that is the result of my present lack of doing anything, is the boredom of yesterdays inactivity. And the knowledge of tomorrows boredom and the day after. My boredom exists non-temporaly, as I simultaneously experience the mind-numbing loneliness of every point of space and time. I experience this nexus of infinite nothingness that illogically is able to grow exponentially to greater values of infinity. Worse yet, I induce it, as it gives me something to focus on and write about, rather than being genial but inactive.

Now, granted, I may have a flair for the melodramatic.
The point remains though.
Im pretty damn bored and I seem to have an inability to do anything about it.


At 11:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

GET MARRIED! Just joshing.
STUDY FOR YOUR MCATS! or did you do that already?

Boredom is insanely useful. It is meant to force to sit, (which you're obviously already doing) and think about what you would like to accomplish with your life.

Then.. get started.

What a lofty idea! When I'm bored I go to college and hang out. And get tortured by random tzvis who spell their name wrong.

-a spunky gal

At 11:44 PM, Blogger Ezzie said...

Oh, I *so* want to guess who anon is...

At 1:50 AM, Blogger XVI (R) - NY said...

Ezzie, its not who your thinking. ;)

Actually you dont know her at all.

Arie... Ahem. Anon: Its not about being busy or filling the time. I did my hishtadlus already. Its not about catching up with life. Its about having life catch up with me. If they cant tell me if Im in until August, than im f**king around aimlessly until August. I cant commit to a job if I might be going to school and so I dont have much to ACTUALLY do. Thats the boredom.

And get back together with an Ex? Ive had my eye on a certain anonymous for about a year now ;)
You certainly are filled with spunk.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Elster said...

You don't know me from Adam but let me give you a word of advice - DO NOT chose law school because it's the next best thing to med school. Being a lawyer is a bad life.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger blueenclave said...

xvi understands the purpose of blogs! This is an HH candidate for the humor.

At 2:46 PM, Blogger XVI (R) - NY said...

Elster, I understand that and I not looking forward to it, but I also acknowledge that Id probably be pretty good at it. yeshiva training, analytical nature, etc... I was just never particularly interested in it, as opposed to medicine. Are you saying its tough to randomly choose law? Or its horrible regardless of your interest in it?

BE - Thanks for the nod. The kind words are appreciated.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Elster said...

Even those who love it generally get bowed under its weight. The work itself (even if you find it enjoybale) gets swallowed by the late hours, the pressure, the crazy expectations of your bosses. It's just a tough way to live your life. Just know that going in...

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Elster said...

Even those who love it generally get bowed under its weight. The work itself (even if you find it enjoybale) gets swallowed by the late hours, the pressure, the crazy expectations of your bosses. It's just a tough way to live your life. Just know that going in...

At 5:51 PM, Blogger The back of the hill said...

Actually, the most interesting lawyers I've met tend to be in patent-law.

I guess it's having a major interest, combined with law as the icing on the cake (and admissal that one will never be the famous international brainsurgeon or heroic computer engineer one dreamed of being...).

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Bitter Cynic said...

Swing at boredome with a penguin shaped bat and see how far you can launch it. Not far enough, simply click to play again.

At 3:18 AM, Blogger stillruleall said...

You shold watch the movie Almost Famous. repeatedly. Don't take it out of the DVD player, just put it on repeat. I had that sort of boredom after the army, I had nothing to do, and I knew that I wasnt going to have anything to do. It got pretty bad but I watched Almost Famous a lot and got through those times.

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Well boredom is very annoying.
'The future event' you mention, is it getting married? If it is, fill you days with something conducive to it?
If it's Moshiach do something conducive to that, we'll all be grateful.
Now if you have so much spare time, why don't you look for something in the Chessed field, even if nothing is achieved at the end of the day, it will have inherent value.
Be a big brother, join a camp for BT's, visit the sick and lonely etc..
The feeling of fulfillment is priceless

At 8:51 AM, Blogger zenjew said...

you are already there.

waiting for that "next" experience that will somehow fulfill you in some way is a never-ending, and i'm sure as you know, quite circular way of living.

you are perfect in this moment; there is nothing to do, to accomplish, to become.

and that will be true the next moment, and the moment after that as well.

you just don't know it...

i'm not advocating inactivity. but i am advocating acceptance of whatever is at this moment.

i have the same "restless" problem that the semester's over and nothing is really happening, i get all edgy, and its hard to just stop and chill with all of that momentum coming off the end of the school year.

transitioning into that chill zone is hard work--and can be quite conducive to restlessness.

goodluck man.

At 9:09 PM, Anonymous sara said...

im a little bored with this post- anything new going on in your life?

At 11:53 PM, Blogger fudge said...

been there.

At 7:28 PM, Blogger reluctant rebel said...

Story sounds familiar, I'm actually supposedly studying at the moment for an imposible exam, and cleaning my room so I can think, but then surfing is so much better! Anyhow, good luck on getting into schools, it's a killer!

At 12:42 PM, Blogger stillruleall said...

have you already jumped?


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