So Ive explained the situation. Ive described the anguish of the unknowingness, the induced inability to perform basic human functions, the incapacity to grow as a person or develop past this point due to an inability to commit myself to the slightest activity. What I havent described though is, by a significant margin, the most painful and torturous portion of the experience.
So I sit and I wait. Im used to that. But I dont do anything while I do it. I read a book, but its only killing time until time X where I will have some epiphany of where/when/what. I go to the beach, I meet my friends, I eat out, I finish up at Dunkin' Donuts. But so what? If everything is done in anticipation of the future event than nothing is performed for its own merit and, therefore, has none. So I lose the urge to perform the basic social activities. I sit in my room. I dont read. I dont study. I dont watch.
I read a lot of blogs now. Not because I am necessarily interested in the news or discussions, even though I am, but because its a simple activity that can be performed from my desk in my room. It requires no movement. No activity. No interaction with other people in the present tense. I spend hours here, at my computer, cultivating boredom. I have my AIM profile set to invisible so I can voyeuristically see who I am ACTIVELY ignoring because I dont feel like chatting. Im not good at it anyway. I cant multitask and the activity of IMing consumes me. But all I do is wait for Time X and exist as boredom.
But its not just the current boredom.
With the boredom that is the result of my present lack of doing anything, is the boredom of yesterdays inactivity. And the knowledge of tomorrows boredom and the day after. My boredom exists non-temporaly, as I simultaneously experience the mind-numbing loneliness of every point of space and time. I experience this nexus of infinite nothingness that illogically is able to grow exponentially to greater values of infinity. Worse yet, I induce it, as it gives me something to focus on and write about, rather than being genial but inactive.
Now, granted, I may have a flair for the melodramatic.
The point remains though.
Im pretty damn bored and I seem to have an inability to do anything about it.