Sunday, June 11, 2006

So Ive explained the situation. Ive described the anguish of the unknowingness, the induced inability to perform basic human functions, the incapacity to grow as a person or develop past this point due to an inability to commit myself to the slightest activity. What I havent described though is, by a significant margin, the most painful and torturous portion of the experience.

The Boredom.

So I sit and I wait. Im used to that. But I dont do anything while I do it. I read a book, but its only killing time until time X where I will have some epiphany of where/when/what. I go to the beach, I meet my friends, I eat out, I finish up at Dunkin' Donuts. But so what? If everything is done in anticipation of the future event than nothing is performed for its own merit and, therefore, has none. So I lose the urge to perform the basic social activities. I sit in my room. I dont read. I dont study. I dont watch.

I surf.

I read a lot of blogs now. Not because I am necessarily interested in the news or discussions, even though I am, but because its a simple activity that can be performed from my desk in my room. It requires no movement. No activity. No interaction with other people in the present tense. I spend hours here, at my computer, cultivating boredom. I have my AIM profile set to invisible so I can voyeuristically see who I am ACTIVELY ignoring because I dont feel like chatting. Im not good at it anyway. I cant multitask and the activity of IMing consumes me. But all I do is wait for Time X and exist as boredom.

But its not just the current boredom.

With the boredom that is the result of my present lack of doing anything, is the boredom of yesterdays inactivity. And the knowledge of tomorrows boredom and the day after. My boredom exists non-temporaly, as I simultaneously experience the mind-numbing loneliness of every point of space and time. I experience this nexus of infinite nothingness that illogically is able to grow exponentially to greater values of infinity. Worse yet, I induce it, as it gives me something to focus on and write about, rather than being genial but inactive.

Now, granted, I may have a flair for the melodramatic.
The point remains though.
Im pretty damn bored and I seem to have an inability to do anything about it.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Update Time.

But first, if yiu havent read my last post you may not know what Im updating on... so do that first.

So here is what hass happened recently. Firstly, I hate physics, but not as much as she hates me. In my very last semester in school I failed a course. Ive never struggled for a B and I failed a freaking course. And what course? The only one that mattered this semester which inevitably means the only one I couldnt study for. So what does this failure mean?

At last update I was waiting to hear back from school. In fact, today (Thursday) was the 12 week aniversary and pretty much the promised deadline of when Id have some sort of answer, even if it just means being waitlisted. I got this big, fat, f**king F last week. Now, thinking from last weeks perspective what was I supposed to do? If I got waitlisted, Id probably have to send an updated transcript, in which case the F would become obvious and Id be contacted. Because Im already waitlisted though, I can easily just say that Im gonna retake it in the summer and my acceptance can be contingent on that. The same certainly can be done if I get accepted. So I took the initiative and signed up for physics in CSI.

Because its the second physics, it is only provided in the second summer module, which is the month of July. This means though that I cant get a job for July and need to find part time work for just June. This is a major impossibility. So I putz around my house now, watching videos on youtube and reading blogs. Ill usually leave the house for the very first time, only about... 3ish? Ouch. And Id love to jobhunt for next year (god forbid I should need it) but how can I land something I cant commit to?

Anyway, yesterday, judgement day, arrived. The letter was here. Finally! I tear open the letter.

Im on hold?

What the f**k is hold?

So apparently, the school is so backlogged on applicants and interviewees (a disconcerting thought itself when considering the 175 setas available for a year) that it has decided to not decide. They cant even commit to putting me on a waitlist. Basically "we know we promised you that wed inform you in June, but hows July sound?"

So now what? They havent put me on a list but they still want my updated transcipt that I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE JUDGED ON!!!!!!!

Do I send it?

Anyway, next week I begin studying for the LSATs.

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